The Phony King of Westeros

For Joanna Robinson

Not canonically accurate, for those worried about spoilers, though there’s some in jokes for those in the know.

The Phony King of West’ros

Oh, the world will sing of a West’rosi king

From Asshai to the Wild

And not because he revoked some laws

Or had the Lannister smile

While the Dragon Queen’s across the Sea,

preparing armies in her wrath

We’ll all have to slave away

For that good-for-nothin’ Joff!

Incredible as he is inept

Whenever the history books are kept

They’ll call him the phony king of West’ros

A pox on that phony king of West’ros!

He sits alone on the Iron Throne

An illegitimate king

A little tyke who’s rather like

A tight-wound crossbow string

And he throws an angry tantrum

If he cannot have his way

And then he calls for Mom while he’s suckin’ his…thumb

[Quiet, Baelish!]

You see, he doesn’t want to play!

Although he’s known as Joff the First

He’s sure to be known as Joff the Worst

A pox on that phony king of West’ros!

[Lay that country on me, babe!]

While he taxes us to pieces

And he robs us of our bread

King Joffrey’s noose, concealed in juice

wraps round that golden head

Ah! But when a Targaryen

Brings her dragons back

We’ll find a way to make him pay

No chance to take the black!

Before he knows just what it is

He’ll hear a call of dracarys

The despotic and psychotic king of West’ros

The snivellin’, grovellin’

Measly, weaselly

Blabberin’, jabberin’

Gibberin’, jabberin’

Plunderin’ plottin’

Wheelin’, dealin’

Prince Joff, that phony king of West’ros



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