Because of a lament on the internet I overheard today regarding a lack of appropriate seasonal duets, I had to do a quick mock-up of a secular Christmas duet to add to the repertoire this year. With apologies to Eartha Kitt.
“Santa Baby, slip a sable under the tree, For me. (Granting Christmas wishes is what I’m here for!)
been an awful good girl, Santa baby, (That’s what the idea’s for!)
so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby, a 54 convertible too,
Light blue. (I…see…well, I suppose it is the giving time of year. That’s fine.)
I’ll wait up for you dear, (Don’t, because I operate on a non-linear perception of time.)
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Think of all the fun I’ve missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed, (That’s not really my concern.)
Next year I could be just as good,
If you’ll check off my Christmas list, (Wait a minute, are you trying to earn?)
Santa baby, I wanna yacht,
And really that’s not a lot, (I have to tell you, lady, Christmas isn’t for a spending spree.)
Been an angel all year, (Wait, are you trying to seduce presents out of me?)
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey, there’s one thing I really do need, (ONE THING?)
The deed
To a platinum mine, (Oh, for pity’s sake! That takes the cake!)
Santa honey, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex,
And checks. (This isn’t in the spirit of Yuletide cheer!)
Sign your ‘X’ on the line,
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight. (I love all the people on the Earth, but not like this my dear.)
Come and trim my Christmas tree, (Okay, I see what you’re doing there.)
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s,
I really do believe in you, (I have to say, this isn’t fair.)
Let’s see if you believe in me,
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,
A ring. (I’m already married!)
I don’t mean on the phone, (We’ve never even met!)
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry, tonight.”
Robert Mackenzie 