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Joker and The Isolated Man

Author’s Note: This was originally written for another outlet, but for a variety of reasons didn’t appear there. Since Oscar has reinvigorated the discourse, I present, for posterity, my thoughts on “JOKER”.

The city is a hunting ground for predators, obscured by steam rising from a river of human filth, where a man who has been wounded in his soul can find no release for urges he does not fully understand. He only knows that he is a creature of the city, a city at once intimate and hateful, and that it drives him away, even as he cannot escape it.

Such is the world of the “lonely man” films of the late 1970s and early 1980s. A discrete sub-genre focused on urban isolation, they were a hallmark of the era, prompted by the national trauma of Vietnam and, in particular, the economic and social collapse of New York City – where the crime rate hit record numbers, power went out entirely in 1977, and the President denied a bankruptcy bailout.

It is this world which “JOKER”, the new film by Todd Philips, seeks to imitate and inhabit. Its antecedents are not just echoed in its vision of 1981’s Gotham City (a clear replica of that crumbling New York), but in the numerous homages to specific films of the period, most prominently Martin Scorsese’s “Taxi Driver” and “The King of Comedy”. But for all the surface references and similar story hooks that “JOKER” uses to make its referents known, it fails to capture the innate heart of those films: that cruelty is emergent, not directed, and that we should hold some sympathy for the human beings who both suffer and inflict.

“Taxi Driver”’s Travis Bickle hopes to gain notoriety by assassinating a senator, after he fails to make a human connection with Betsy, a campaign worker for that very politician. He composes fractured letters home to his parents, painting pictures of an important government job and a steady relationship. When he encounters Iris, a child prostitute, his intervention on her behalf suggests she should be back, leading an archetypal teenage life in the suburbs. In the film’s explosive climax, he forcibly rescues Iris from her violent pimp, Sport, and pantomimes his own suicide. The film’s epilogue – possibly real, possibly imagined – sees Iris at home, her grateful parents responding to her rescuer, and Travis reconnecting with Betsy as someone she can tacitly admire. Though final frames of undirected tension indicate that Bickle has not escaped his paranoid impulses (if he is not simply dreaming the moment whilst bleeding out), he certainly recognises a more coherent vision of society he does not know how to enter.

“The King of Comedy”, by contrast, concludes with the solitary triumph of its protagonist. Personal connections may have failed, but assault, kidnapping and extortion have done their work. The public – at a distance, through the medium of celebrity – have embraced Rupert Pupkin now that he has forced his way onto their screens. His rewards follow: a book deal, public appearances, fame and fortune. That sequence may also be in his head, but the mood is not tragic. Unlike “Taxi Driver”, the tone is at once sarcastic and condemnatory. It is plausible – terrifyingly plausible – that the public would embrace Pupkin once he has entertained them, despite the human wreckage he ascends from and leaves in his wake. His victim, Jerry Langford, is assaulted and brutalized, but “The King of Comedy” regularly reinforces that the public can see Langford only as a commodity for their entertainment. They don’t see the real person there – any more than they do for Pupkin. They only see what they want, and for this, the film finds them wanting. The spotlight isolates, the camera just another artefact of distance for the human being.

The internet has created a meme around the Joker declaiming that “we live in a society”, but “JOKER”, in fact, declares precisely the opposite. It has no use for, or belief in, the benefits of other people, and consequently sits at odds with the very proposition regarding the dangers of isolation that “The King of Comedy” and “Taxi Driver” both share. “JOKER” posits that there is no worth in integrating with society. If the “lonely men” films show people pressed up against the glass, looking longingly at a world they cannot know, “JOKER” suggests the better course is to simply smash the window.

The willingness to act against society without regret sets “JOKER” apart from the “lonely man” films, in which the struggle to integrate is key. It is that very struggle that permits the sub-genre to serve as a brilliant reference by which to humanise superhero fiction. The act of donning a mask and a false identity is inherently isolating. To use that position of loneliness to try and inhabit the society you live in is the same struggle (as it must be) for Bickle, Pupkin and all their celluloid cousins. For this reason, an older, and more coherent, association has been drawn between them and Batman, not the Joker.

1987’s “Batman: Year One” reimagined Batman’s origins as pathological, painting Bruce Wayne as a criminal driven to brutalise criminals, obsessed with his own impending death. A pre-costumed Bruce Wayne, determined to clean up the city, walks out amongst its red-light district and seeks to prise a child prostitute away from her violent pimp, Sport. “That crazy vet bit – man, that’s old” hisses Sport, hanging a lampshade on the non to a film from eleven years prior. The narrative connects Batman to Bickle, driven by the same obsessions, similarly isolated and on the cusp of self destruction. If 1986’s “The Dark Knight Returns” postulated an apocalyptic vision of what Batman could become, “Year One” suggested that this is what he always was; that in between the panels of every four-color right hook over the theft of a giant penny, the grim obsessive was there, hidden but able to be unearthed by the demanding reader.

What separates Batman’s heroics from Bickle’s futile struggles, however, is his ability to connect. “Year One”’s lift from “Taxi Driver” ends with the pre-costumed Bruce Wayne stabbed during the struggle, clutching his wound, stumbling home to Wayne Manor to die. In the depths of his despair, Bruce Wayne has a choice: call Alfred to patch him up, or slip quietly into the night. At that moment, in one of the iconic images of Batman’s history (depicted first in Batman #1 but reinvented here in a predestined hail of smashed glass), a bat flies through the window, and Bruce Wayne, inspired to live, summons Alfred to keep him alive. In that moment, Batman is born.

Most interpretations focus on the bat and the promised transformation, but it’s not the only key to the scene. In “The Return of Bruce Wayne”, written some 23 years later, the moment replays centred on the butler instead. Bruce Wayne needs help to survive. Batman isn’t Batman until he asks someone else to help him.

This is not an isolated incident. Forget brooding alone on rooftops, the bulk of Batman’s stories are about a man who overcomes loneliness. Even ignoring his wider participation in the DC universe’s more fanciful continuity, Batman has been alone only rarely. Batman has acquired no less than six Robins, three Batgirls, and two Batwomen. Alfred, Harold the Mechanic, Ace the Bathound, the list goes on. “Year One” pairs Bruce Wayne’s inner monologue with a young James Gordon’s, and ends with Gordon waiting for his friend on a rooftop. Christopher Nolan’s Bruce Wayne begins his crusade by whispering “now we are two”.

Though Scorsese is rarely approached as a moralistic film-maker, his innately Catholic background encompasses a vision where no person is without sin, and consequently, every person is on a personal battleground between annihilation and redemption. There is the sense of something lost in both Bickle and Pupkin, a sense of the better men that you might be able to reconstruct from the fragments. Both films, though ultimately ending in at once similar and yet remarkably different modes, recognise the need for human beings to find connections to better themselves. A sense that, torn apart from others, we fall prey to our worst influences, and thus, implicitly, that a community has an ability to draw us back from slipping too far into darkness. The core of the Batman narrative suggests that even for the most damaged of us, there might be a way out. If it is more graced than Scorsese’s “lonely men”, it inhabits the same moral universe.

“JOKER”, on the other hand, is almost solipsistic in its makeup. It attempts – by granting vulnerability – to graft humanity onto comic books’ most famous serial-killer. Unfortunately, in painting the struggles of Arthur Fleck, its solitary hero, it fails to give him a world of other people to inhabit. K. Austin Collins, also looking at the links between “Taxi Driver” and “JOKER” for “Vanity Fair” wrote that much of the issue with “JOKER” was “….how rotely, how condescendingly, the movie animates the tortured soul at its center…Joker presents us a world in which Fleck is constantly trod upon, and the movie is so singularly intent on proving this point that most every other part of his life, everything that isn’t a chance to reiterate Arthur’s trauma and psychosis, slyly evaporates from view.”

The constant repetition of Fleck’s circumstances centers a shorthand of his pain over, say, the black single mother who lives down the hall, with whom Fleck can idealize a relationship, but who the film makes no effort to understand. It doesn’t interrogate its premises. Where Bickle and Batman alike are tortured on the precipice of transformation, Fleck’s psychology can withstand no real tension. It’s too fragile for that.

If Fleck’s own psychology is so thinly drawn, why marry it to the already famously amorphous Joker? If all we know of Fleck is that the film wishes us to feel sad for him, and him alone, why are we expected to associate that empathy for an unrepentant mass murder?

Of the Joker’s variety of origins – from demon haunting Gotham to largely sane mobster with an affectation – only one posits him as a failed comedian, 1988’s “The Killing Joke”. Though like “JOKER”, this story presents the Joker at his most horrific, it is notably distinct in that it portrays the Joker as formerly connected to family, initially unwilling to do harm, then seeking to demonstrate that others are just like him. Like Pupkin or Bickle, that version of the Joker is trying, in a warped way, to connect to others, Batman included. Fleck doesn’t seek to be understood, because there is nothing to understand. He seeks, instead, only to be known.

Through Dick Sprang’s giant typewriter stealing Crown Prince of Crime, Cesar Romero’s moustachioed chuckler, Neal Adams’ long-faced vaudevillian triggerman and Jack Nicholson’s ‘homicidal artist’, the Joker’s behaviours are so diverse that we can only make limited universal statements about what he wants. The common element from all is that they thrive on being seen. A crime that doesn’t garner attention simply isn’t worth it.

It is this need for attention, not connection, that “JOKER” shapes – intentionally or not – as a worthy quest. Unlike Pupkin forcing his way onto television, or Bickle’s self-destruction, invisible to the dozens of people he ferries night after night, Fleck is literally invited to take centre stage. The public’s appetite for cruelty is such that as a murderer, Fleck is an unlikely folk hero, as a failed comedian, he is a welcome spectacle for their appetite for blood. When Fleck slides into murder he experiences no struggle – only satisfaction. This is his moment, his chance to finally be counted.

Ultimately, “JOKER” reduces the act of mass murder as justifiable reciprocity for bullying. “You get what you deserve” says Fleck, tortuously laying out the film’s message in a final monologue, that becomes an unlikely rallying cry for the rioting mob of clown murderers that follow him. “You were mean to me.” This latter line, amazingly, is not presented as a joke – the film is careful to ensure that though Fleck’s scale is disproportionate, he never targets a character we don’t see engaged in some act of callous cruelty. There is no tension between the individual and the anonymous mass. There is only one man in agony, and a world of targets.

“JOKER” orbits two dark stars. The first is entitlement, the sense that something that should be had is denied. The second is demonstrativeness, a need for people to witness the injustice of this. Not to remedy it, because the film encompasses no concept of remedy. Circumstances cannot be changed, but agonies can be seen.

The internet age proves that regardless of your opinion, over large enough samples you can find like-minded individuals anywhere. Attention, consequently, becomes a form of social acceptance – a means of flying your flag and finding your tribe. There are no formal gatekeepers – it requires only differentiating oneself from the morass of content that is otherwise out there. “JOKER”, despite its 1981 setting, is born from that culture, the sense that if you can get your message out there, you’ll find people who agree with you. It does this by suggesting that the disenfranchised will gleefully congregate in the image of a subway murderer. For this, it borrows the Joker’s image, suggesting commonality even in the utterly abhorrent. In its world, the only thing we share is pain.

This isn’t presented as satire, like “The King of Comedy”. We aren’t asked to chuckle at roving bands of murder clowns as an abstraction of the things we do accept. The film frames them instead as the logical consequence of a society with a mass of unheard men (and they are men, I don’t recall seeing a female murder clown amongst the dozens pictured), finally understanding that their suffering is valid. Fame is the catalyst that transforms Fleck’s agony from private to public. If he is entitled to retribution, aren’t they all?

The film’s most elegant metaphor might occur by accident. In one scene, Arthur walks into an automatic glass door which fails to open for him. Irritated, he flails at the sensor – until it is pointed out he’s trying to enter through the exit. He was never invisible. He was just going in the wrong direction.

With Apologies To Jack Vance

Market-day in fair Daltembra, on the banks of the fulsome Scaum, was often a choleric affair. It was customary to see some purveyor of goods accosted by a prospective or retrospective customer who took issue with the price or quality of the wonders which were to be, or had been, vended. At times, these disputes came to blows, and more than one debate had been put to a permanent end by the swift application  of a poignard more pointed than any argument.

Cugel the Clever, who made it a matter of principle to disdain all such conflicts on his own peregrinations, spun on his heel and made a hasty exit between the awnings of two tents as a dispute between strangers grew increasingly caustic.

“Such folly, each to accuse the other of purloining,” he sighed. “The bane of the merchant class is that they esteem lucre over their personal dignity.” As he mourned the peccadilloes of his fellow Daltembrans, he secured his money pouch – perhaps a shade heavier than it had been in the idle moments preceding the argument – in his belt.

The makeshift alleyway between the tents deposited him in a shadowy corner of the market square, but he noted with increasing dissatisfaction the rising shouts from the direction of the conflict.

Glancing around for some form of occupation which would permit him to blend better with the more placid customers, he spied a covered wagon. Its awning was the tanned flesh of the grennic. The steps leading to it were wood, but cunningly wrought to have the semblance of rough-cut emerald. The sign above the travelling shop simply read “GOOP”.

With a single tap on the wood he summoned the merchant. To his surprise, the wagon belonged to a slender-framed woman, with a cascade of golden tresses falling down her nape to gather around her shoulders. Dwarfed by the heavy wrap that concealed all but her head, she smiled wanly at Cugel, even as he noted a knot of tension in her posture.

Cugel mused that she may have had a maidenly discomfort at being alone with a stranger and sought to put her at ease with gallantry.

“Greetings, fair merchant. I am Cugel, a buyer of some means and renown.” He favoured her with a bow. “I assure you, my interest is only in fair exchange. What goods do you proffer?”

“Paltrow is my name,” said the merchant. “I am a dealer in remedies, tonics for the mind and body, both subtle and gauche.” She gestured to the arch of the wagon. “In my youth, I was a mummer, and some call me Paltrow the Disingenuous for my skill at theatrics, but I assure you that beyond that portal lie restoratives of only the highest quality.”

“And the meaning of GOOP?” asked Cugel, indicating the sign.

“The proprietary remedy of my shop,” smiled Paltrow. “Simply step inside and I will gladly show you all, but you must permit me this: each customer is brought last to the GOOP itself.”

Even if Cugel were not intrigued by the curious nature of her offer, he felt compelled to absent himself from the potentially harsh conditions of the market square, and thus strode forward boldly towards the wagon. “Let us be about it.”

Inside, dim indigo light from an unseen source illuminated a chaotic panoply of items. Philtres and alembics lay scattered and propped amongst knotted weaves of strange design, while crystal structures poked out from behind mummified creatures of unknown provenance.

Paltrow reclined on a cushioned divan, and motioned for Cugel to do likewise on an equivalent furnishing. For the present, he declined, continuing his examination of the goods. At last, he came to a rounded stone, smooth to the touch but with pits and flecks concealed beneath its convex surface. A slight point distinguished one end from the other.

“What is this piece?” he enquired.

“The distillation of the Crystalline Egg is sure to eradicate any distemper of the humors,” avowed Paltrow the Disingenuous, shuffling her oversized gambeson upon her ectomorphic frame.

“Hmm. Much is promised by this wonder tonic!” Cugel exclaimed, weighing the object in his upraised palm. “Might I test its efficacy by way of a sample?”

“Alas,” said Paltrow, shaking her head, “I cannot allow samples, for even a modicum of insertion renders the Egg subject to such pressures as to disqualify it for subsequent users. Like so many things in life, it is an all or nothing proposition.”

Cugel cleft his tongue to the roof of his mouth, and emitted the low whistle that he was wont to sound during stressful arbitrations.

“Am I to buy with no opportunity to gauge the value of the item?”

“I esteem it most highly,” smiled Paltrow. “Surely that is enough.”

With this, she simpered a little at Cugel who, touched by her pulchritude, relented from his indignant tone. “I do not seek to question your judgment. Only to select, from what is most assuredly the finest collection of its kind assembled, those items which best suit my own constitution.”

She clasped his hands. “Such discretion shows only that your principal quality is discernment, something I knew from the moment I observed your aura. Here, let me show you a wonder.”

So saying, Paltrow produced from behind the couch a garment similar to her own. Swiftly, she spun a curious dance around Cugel, ending each flourish with a pass of her hands to knot the cloth. In a matter of moments, Cugel was attired much as she, though Cugel noted that she wore a significantly looser fit.

“The shirt hagrides,” Cugel mused, stretching his arms as best he could to stroke the garment pressed against his flesh.

“Some have said, some have said,” Paltrow nodded sagely, “But this does not account for the quality of person providing their mane. My shirts are knitted by blonde monks, drawing solely from their own head’s growth. Thus, you see, comfort is assured.”

Cugel wrestled at the knots binding his wrists tight, and frowned.

“The product may be refined, but I have reason to suspect our definitions of comfort vary.”

“Ah,” Paltrow smiled beatifically, “But mine is correct.”.

Still merry, she pushed Cugel down upon the divan, where his restricted posture necessitated a fully prone position.

“It is a curious sort of merchant,” averred Cugel, “who seeks to restrain a paying customer from perusing their wares.”

“Customers in these latter days seek experiences and not mere consumables,” said Paltrow. “And I am no merchant, but a wellness consultant.”

“Nonetheless, in clothing me in this garment, I note you have relieved me of my coin purse.”

Paltrow smiled thinly. “Thus proving my expertise: you have lost weight already.”

Paltrow freely turned her back, her earlier skittishness forgotten. “Now, what else can I show you?”

Cugel, whom circumstances had often conspired to restrain in ropes of all kinds, knew of techniques to slip his bonds. He sought only scant moments to draw the alchemist’s eye away from him as he did so. “Those items at the back,” he gestured with his chin, “what is their mechanism?”

Paltrow shuffled to the rear of the wagon, stopping just before a small curtain, to hold aloft a stoppered jar.

“An apt question indeed! Behold this potive!” Extending the jar in a white hand, she uncorked it. A haze of amber vapors poured lazily from its lip. “But a few deep inhalations will render the recipient free of all troubling dreams and concerning thoughts. Some say that it makes of the frequent partaker a lack-wit, but I say no-one of sense could ever question such a remedy.”

She moved athwart Cugel’s couch. “This product I am more than willing to let you indulge in, so as to ensure nothing that has transpired concerns you.”

Cugel had made use of the time to free his hands from the knots. Nonetheless, unsure of what other capacities Paltrow could draw upon, he kept them concealed beneath the garment.

Paltrow sat beside him, brandishing the jar. She was careful to keep her own face far from the spout. “Now, to your sample,” she said.

“Hold a moment!” exclaimed Cugel. “A question, if I may.”

“What purpose knowledge,” averred Paltrow, “if you are only to forget it?”

Cugel shrugged, as best he could beneath the heavy gambeson, conspiring to keep his face tilted away from the fumes. “The same might be said of all learning.”

“True enough,” conceded Paltrow. “Ask, then.”

“Oftentimes merchants tend towards the effulgent, rarely do I meet one of your surprising lissomness,” murmured Cugel. As he spoke, commanding Paltrow’s attention, his hands deftly wended unseen towards a delicate limb. “How do you manage it, amongst what must be a trying lifestyle?”

“My own health is maintained by an extract of berries from the Acai Bush, thrice boiled in the tonic of the Sloane Park Fountain,” spake Paltrow. “A less potent philtre than that which you will now ingest, but not without its impact.”

“Yet I detect some slight withering of your hands,” said Cugel.

Her eyes wide with shock, Paltrow glanced downwards at her slender fingers, taking her eyes from her detainee.

At that, Cugel sprang forth, gripped the healer’s wrist tightly and wrenched it sideways, shattering the jar upon the ground. 

“My jar!” wailed the false apothecary. “In accordance with ancient custom, in damaging it you have forfeited sums to me equivalent to its value. I must emphatically state that it is worth much more than the meager coin you possess.”

“Enough of such blandishments!” declaimed Cugel. “You have injured my liberty and made free with my person. For this, there can be but one redress. Reveal to me the secret of the GOOP.”

“I cannot abide stress,” whined Paltrow. “The very makeup of my nature abhors it most violently! Cease your remonstrance, and I will show you all.”

With little more exchanged between them, Cugel marched Paltrow to the rear of the wagon. “Cast aside the curtain,” he intoned.

Sparing him only a hate-filled glance, Paltrow pulled the curtain back with a single violent gesticulation. Beyond lay a bath-sized vessel, rounded, and inlaid into the floor of the wagon. Within roiled a prismatic liquid, bubbling sporadically and spurting gouts of colorful radiance up, only to splash back on its sloshing surface.

“So you see,” said Paltrow. “The GOOP.”

“What is its function?”

“Observe.” The pseudophysician snatched a pair of plain brown sandals from a nearby bin and cast them into the scintillating mire. With a ripple, they disappeared below the surface.

“Some form of solvent?” inquired Cugel.

“Patience,” counseled his interlocutor.

A moment later the liquid smoked and ejected a strange set of slippers, pointed and curled at their tasseled end, with a sole made of some elastic material.

“Thus do I secure the wonders of my shop. I theorize that it is a juncture of some kind, a portal to some unimaginably distant aeon, which operates on the mercantilist principle of like-for-like exchange.”

Cugel, though keeping a watchful eye on the slender saleswoman, took some moments to observe the GOOP. “Has anything living emerged from the cauldron?”

“At times,” said Paltrow nervously. “At times. But as with all things, it is dependent on what is cast forth.”

“Of course,” said Cugel, placing both hands on her shoulders. “Only reagents of the highest quality.”

Sometime later, Cugel flicked the reins and spurred his fiacre onwards along the westward trail out of Daltembra, along the banks of the fulsome Scaum. Approaching him on the road, in a state of consternation, were two itinerants, one shuffling with a marked limp. They hailed him.

“Well met,” cried Cugel. “I charge you though, keep back from the dobbin which pulls my cart. The beast is newly acquired, and I am yet to gauge its temperament.”

“A most remarkable creature,” said one of the travelers. “What is it?”

Cugel smiled. “I acquired it myself from a distant land. It is the only one of its kind kind I know. It pleases me to call it a gwynath. I am Cugel, a trader in salubrious remedies and restorative wonders.”

“Then this is the GOOP cart, as I surmised!” cried the limping traveler. “Take us to the mountebank called Paltrow at once! I seek urgent restitution for the pains I have suffered through the use of her Fundamental Steamer!”

“Alas,” mourned Cugel. “She has departed to pursue her studies closer to their ineffable source. I have only recently acquired the business.”

“Then our quarrel is with you,” said the burlier of the travelers, producing a scramasax from a concealed scabbard. “If you have assumed the assets of the business, it falls upon you to make redress.”

Cugel assayed the pair and smiled. “There is no need for such inhospitable demonstrations. If you will join me in the rear of the wagon, I am sure we can resolve any disputes once and for all.”

Civil War Diaries

Last night I went out and saw the excellent Captain America: Civil War.

That word – excellent – is all I’m going to say in the sense of an overall qualitative review. Drilling down on more overall praise would be redundant at this point. Go see it, you won’t be disappointed.

What I did want to get down is some thoughts about why it works. I’ve deliberately tried to keep it spoiler light. You can read this. These are only bullet points, but I think they’re all worth noting:

The Russos: People have been wondering how the Russos established themselves with such surety as action directors, but it’s worth noting that the main skill they draw upon here is not actioneering (though more on that in a moment), it’s character balance. The brothers cut their teeth on Arrested Development and Community – both character focused comedies that needed to keep everyone’s story line clear whilst allowing them to ineract. Servicing separate arcs but shifting emphasis from one character to another and finding time to make the people that they’re depicting compelling. Do we recognise a pattern here? Civil War juggles an AMAZING number of characters, and whilst some of them get a shorter shrift than others, every character gets at least one significant beat in their overall arc. That’s amazing, given how easy it would be (and has been in other films) for characters to get lost in the shuffle. As action directors, they still know to serve character with their action sequences, and keep those sequences in service to the story. Quick case in point – at the beginning of the film, the action sequences are shot with “shaky cam” – blurred, kinetic, rapid cuts. Even in these sequences you can still divine what’s going on, but the fights feel fractious and chaotic because that’s how the characters are feeling. It reflects chaos that is critical to the story, without betraying the overall capabilities or visions of the characters in service to that chaos. Later in the film, when battle lines are more clearly drawn, the direction of the action sequences becomes clear – steadicam. Wide angle shots. Long pans from character to character. In one notable multipartite slugfest it comes as close to anything I’ve ever seen in recreating a splash page from a comic book without feeling too still or slavish. Everything moves, and continues to move, but the action sequences derive more and more focus – following the arc of the film as chaos becomes clear. This is how you direct a superhero film.

Character First: The comment I made above about how the Russos come from a character focused background? Well, they’re equally well served by the script and the performances, all of which focus on key motivations for the characters. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that both RDJ and Chris Evans have spoken more openly about staying on with Marvel after this one, as they’re obviously given the lion’s share of the work to do as actors and that must feel satisfying when there’s this much meat to it – but they’re not the only ones. Ideology and motivation are made clear in ways that feel intrinsic to the characters, but are also subject to change which arises naturally out of the course of events in this film. Much of the film (not that it stints on action) is taken up with dialogue – people considering, reconsidering, debating, finding and losing common ground. This works because we have a clear and defined sense of who they are and what they want. That’s true for the new characters too, T’Challa and Spider-Man who each get enough time to explain their motivations for this film and set them up for future endeavours. There’s never a moment where the conflict here is driven by anything other than character – no flashy deus ex machinae, no papering over the cracks. This is about people who behave in understandable ways. Leading on to my next point…

They’ve Earned It: It sounds kind of facile to say this, but it absolutely needs to be said: even moreso than The Avengers (which I’m not trying to discredit, I’m just saying it operated by different rules), this is the proof of concept movie for the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The movie works without it, but it works so much more effectively because of it – references to old beats and conflicts (a sequence where Captain America raises his fists, a beat where Steve and Bucky stand next to each other, when Tony notably at one point says “I changed“), self-contained arcs within the movies which nevertheless reflect the overall themes of the universe. We know who these characters are and what they want, and they feel so wholly inhabited by their actors that where some people have less screen time, it’s still remarkably effective because we know who they are. Marvel has smartly saved itself spadework in introductions for the most part – there are reintroductions that allow us to get straight into the good stuff. The movie centres around events of a lot of the previous films, but in the aggregate, not the specific. It’s less about the precise recollection of any particular events (though as I say, the Easter eggs are there for people who are looking for them), and more about a general recognition that this is the next stage in an overall extant and internally consistent world. In full credit to its writing, it smooths out previously spiky edges, without ever diminishing the content of what comes before.

The Civil War: Is so, so much better conceived than Civil War as depicted in the comics. Avoiding spoilers here is difficult, but suffice to say that a compelling argument is drawn for all participants, in a way that in no way diminishes that they are men and women of good will and integrity who are driven in different directions. No-one needs to carry an idiot ball. No-one needs an out of character heel turn. The film is about the inherent conflict in doing the right thing. How that is interpreted, the price one needs to pay for it, both its burdens and its benefits. Unlike certain other hero vs. hero movies, there’s no sense that any of these characters are less than heroes and perhaps more critically, it never EVER suggests that there’s anything facile in the heroic ideal. This is a Captain America movie, and even moreso, I think, than Winter Soldier, it functions by taking Cap as a person of integrity and making him the fulcrum of how people interpret integrity and, well, righteousness in a complicated world. Those complications aren’t cynical, but they are real, and it’s to the film’s credit that it never tries to provide simple, facile answers or jingoistic ooh-rah-rahs.

The Joy: This is probably the last, most critical piece, but it also really matters. This movie is fun. Not just funny (though it is that, jokes and quips abound without ever diminishing the serious moments), but generally wondrous about the things it’s allowed to do, without ever being self-indulgent. There are superheroes galore on screen, and they do superhero things – perform incredible feats, awesome stunts, clever tricks, amazing chases, a mix of unstoppable power and incredible grace. That character distinction comes to the fore too, you get a sense of what every character can do and why they’re valuable to the MCU as a whole, but part of why they can do that is how they do that: seeming to really revel in these characters being superheroes and these being awe-inspiring things to do and see and be. I have a rule about Doctor Who, which I’m also starting to apply to superhero properties – the more you can see daylight the more of an indication that the storytellers are confident in the wonder of what they’re creating. They’re unafraid to put those creations to the test under the light of day.

When it’s this good, they shouldn’t be.

Christmas In Ravenloft

‘Twas the Night before Yuletide, and all through the Domains
The poor tortured victims looked up from their chains.
Strahd’s victims were hung in the dungeon with care,
Because if hung poorly, they’d be liable to tear.

The bodies were nestled all snug in their graves
Unlike poor Azalin who fevers and raves
Madam Eva in kerchief, and I in Strahd’s trap,
Were anxiously listening for a final snap

When out in the woods there arose such a fire,
That it looked to the world like a funeral pyre.
I sprung from the trap with adventurer’s vigour
Leaping clear as I heard the click-clack of the trigger!

The moon rose, blood red from the fires below,
and cast ghastly shadows along drifts of snow
When what to my febrile brain should appear,
But strange lunar illithids, eldritch and queer.

With their dripping proboscises stretched to my brain,
I knew in a moment I had gone insane.
But now, to my poor madman’s mind became clear,
The sound of their mind-flayer moans to my ear:

“Now Xeplz! Now K’rstrix!
“Now Ythrid the Mangler!”
“Now Ulthrig and Maktox
The Cerebral Strangler!
To the top of the Castle! To Ravenloft’s spire!
We must keep our meeting with that fateful vampire!”

Like dry bones that rustle in crypts then expire,
A rattle arose as they climbed ever higher
So up that bleak summit the illithids crawled,
Whilst inside Strahd’s victims still wailed and bawled

And then, with a squelching, I heard on the roof
The castle come open, to display its dark truth
I knew then my end would be painful and gory
As Strahd von Zarovich arose in full glory.

He wore a long cape, from his throat to his heels,
And he bore two sharp fangs that his snarling reveals.
His hands wrung like talons before each fell guest,
And a ruby-gold pendant gleamed red on his chest.
His eyes – how they glimmered! His hair – sleek and black!
His cheeks high and sunken! How straight was his back!
His cruel mouth was drawn in a rictus so grim,
that even the illithids seemed scared of him.
The sword at his side, well, it looked like a prop,
It hurts to describe him, so reader, I’ll stop.

But then, to my mounting surprise and dismay,
He shook rich with laughter, and oh, so did they.
The mind-flayers it seemed, bothered Strahd not the least!
For they were his guests for a dark Yuletide feast!

With a twist of his neck and a wave of his hands,
The Dragon arose and obeyed his commands!
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
As the Yuletide beast took to the sky with a jerk!

And the illithids leapt to it’s plum-pudding back,
And it covered the moon and left the forest black!
This was no mere wyrm that they set out to ride,
But a great Christmas Dragon I’d soon be inside.

And the last thing I heard as I sailed down its throat,
Was the smooth voice of Strahd as it rung out to gloat:

“True, we are monsters, and souls do we lack
But hell, what is Christmas without a shared snack?”

THE END

Balance to the Force

This is “the” The Force Awakens post. It’s probably the only big one I’m going to do – the movie a few hours in the past for me now, filtered through first impressions and subconscious dream states. (Sleep and then wake/for better hot take, as the old saying goes).

I’m not going to talk too much about the film overall here, though. I will say that this is going to be SPOILERRIFIC, so please take a step back if you don’t want to be spoiled – and you don’t – go watch the film first and come back afterwards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone done?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Good.

 

Alright, so a little bit of light preamble: I liked that a whole lot. Loved it, in fact. Was it a little light on the exposition? Yes! But that’s okay, because it’s STAR WARS. I don’t mean that in a pure fandom sense, I mean that I have always thought Star Wars works better with a few gaps in the margins. The archetypes are broad enough that you can fill in the mysteries yourself, and it gives future installments bits and pieces to explore. Were there some retreads of A New Hope beats? Of course there were, not only because fans were hankerin’, but because Disney has a multibillion dollar IP to service, and they need to do it in such a way as to be sure audiences are going to be happy. They have every reason to be. It looks pretty, the new cast is great, the old favourites function marvelously, and the various balls are kept in the air. Well done, Disney, JJ, Star Wars and company.

More importantly though, rather than try to conceal what it borrows from the earlier films, The Force Awakens wears it proudly on its sleeve, and it does so for a purpose: this is a handover film. Of course there are X-Wing/TIE Fighter dogfights, fascist goons, masked villains, strange coincidences, desert landscapes, firefights, cute droids hiding secret plans, and aliens. That’s what Star Wars is. Han Solo gets to play a major role in the film not just as a creaky mentor, but as the custodian of Star Wars itself. “It’s true. All of it,” he says, as was seen in the trailers – but what’s more important is who he is saying it to: Rey and Finn, the new generation of Star Wars leads. Later in the film, as they face down Kylo Ren after he has done the “unthinkable” and kills Han Solo (the clearly telegraphed unthinkable that SUCCEEDS nevertheless, based on the gravelly way Harrison Ford says “Ben”, by the way), the key words of the franchise are exchanged: “It’s just us now.”

This is the film that had to be close to the old Star Wars so that Star Wars itself can be passed on. To whom it is passed on is the important point.

I want to talk about Kylo Ren.

It is no accident – can be no accident – that Kylo Ren is the flawed inheritor of the greatest of all possible Star Wars legacies. He is the son of Princess Leia and Han Solo, trained by Luke Skywalker…and he sucks. I don’t mean the character sucks, he’s great, but he’s great because he despite all his privilege isn’t very good at his job.

Can you hone in on the key word in that sentence? The Force Awakens says that the presumptive natural inheritor of Star Wars is, in fact, not such. Despite the legacy bequeathed to him, he’s not a Jedi (or a Sith). He’s a failed state. The crackling, semi-functional lightsaber he wields? Again, not an accident. Deeply symbolic. He can’t build a lightsaber. He is no Jedi. The knowledge and power he has acquired is half-borrowed, half-stolen. Think about what Ren says when torturing his victims. “I can have anything I want”. Think about the temper tantrums when someone gets away from him.

He’s a spoiled, frustrated, privileged asshole. He’s also – in case it missed your notice – the principal white male of the new generation.

The trailers certainly hinted that Finn was going to be the Force user touched by the titular awakening, and although that’s not off the cards yet, it’s not the narrative of this movie. Rey is the true inheritor of the Light Side destiny – at least for this film – and it makes this abundantly clear by having Luke’s lightsaber fly to her hand. “You need a teacher,” hisses Ren – despite the fact he’s been wounded by Finn already, that he’s made mistakes at almost every turn. The whole film comes down to that fight in the woods.

And then Rey beats the shit out of him. He’s wounded, and tired, and clearly having a hard day – but that message can’t be any clearer. The true inheritor of the Star Wars legacy is a woman. She is given both Luke’s lightsaber AND the Millennium Falcon. There can be no doubt. Star Wars belongs to her now, with Finn as the second principal figure. (And thank God for Daisy Ridley and John Boyega, because damn me if I don’t feel they both can carry it.)

JJ copped a bit of flack for his remarks about Star Wars moving to include women now – but it’s clear with the benefit of film context that he was trying to say something vital about what the film is. 

To put not too fine a point on it: Kylo Ren is a Star Wars fan. He’s an insider – he knows all the old stories and all the players involved in it, and he’s a seed planted from the first moment a Princess clapped eyes on a scruffy looking nerf-herder. He thinks that makes him entitled to Star Wars. But it’s not for him. He has no right of ownership.

The Force Awakens is a movie which hands over Star Wars to the next generation, but it’s also a movie about who that next generation needs to be. Not the entitled legacy of another white man who feels he has been promised a victory he neither earned nor deserved, but belonging to those who can feel the Light Side of the Force, from all kinds of backgrounds who understand what it means, beyond all the trappings. Go where the heart goes, and the trappings will follow.

Much can be made of Kylo Ren’s complicated feelings about his father – the man who made him, but who, as the man says himself “will just end up disappointing you”. That observation can’t be divorced from the very complicated legacy of George Lucas. Lucas isn’t the villain of the piece, thankfully. It’s not what the progenitor of the franchise deserves. If he’s represented by anyone, it’s the creaky Han Solo, going back to his roots. Reminding us of what was great about Star Wars in the first place. Rather, the villain stems from the attitude of a total jerk who feel that he’s somehow been “betrayed”, that he is (and in so far as he represents certain segments of the audience, that they are) the true custodians of Star Wars. Yeah, that’s the Dark Side speaking, motherfuckers. That’s the opinion of the man who kills Han Solo. You don’t get to lock the gate and keep the key. The Force is part of all living things.  You want to talk about bringing balance to the Force? That means it gets shared equally.

When Solo recognises Rey and Finn as his successors (and he does, that’s not a subtle point), he’s standing as the head of the comet – the titular expression of the old Star Wars verse that these new kids are the ones we’re following.

The Force Awakens succeeds not just in making a Star Wars movie which functions as a Star Wars movie with all the fun and all the trimmings (which was the bar everyone prayed it’d clear), but as a Star Wars movie which is to an extent about Star Wars and the culture surrounding Star Wars without undercutting all the fun and trimmings we’ve been waiting for. Take a victory lap, JJ. You’ve earned it.

Ren might turn back into Ben Solo before the next few films are done. It’s happened before. But for Episode VII at least, the conceptual markers are clear. Star Wars is what it always was, but there really are fresh hands at the wheel.

 

Fake Openers For Fake Thinkpieces

‘”I-want-to-fit-in,” enunciates Patrick Bateman, brought to a kind of synthetic half-life to a pre-Batman Christian Bale in 2000’s American Psycho. The evenness of the statement is made clear as sublimated fury, not only desperation to fill some gaping chasm in the heart of the secret self, but also rage at the very act of being questioned in his carefully modulated banality. Bateman was in murders and acquisitions mergers and acquisitions, chosen by Bret Easton Ellis to represent a particular kind of 1980s successful homogeneity, but in the modern era, he might well have functioned excellently as an executive for the Disney Channel with his obsession with middle-of-the-road pop music, and his burning, all-consuming desire to conceal the monster within…’

‘The Laysan duck is what’s known as a ‘dabbler’, a form of surface feeder. Endangered, and restricted to the Hawaiian Islands, it’s somewhat ironic that it was first codified by Lionel Rothschild, scion of the great Rothschild banking house of Europe. A consummate zoologist, Rothschild was also the banker that the spectre of his name conjures up, and a member of the British Parliament. He was, in fact, a dabbler, but like the Laysan duck, dabblers in the world of big business have become endangered, even as the wealthiest 1% grow to control more wealth and assets. The key to that control, it turns out, is accretion and segmentation rather than diversity…’

‘Snap! Crackle! Pop! The onomatopoeic elves that guard breakfast cereals represent a simple elegance that has continually resisted attempts to modernise (or as the Simpsons would have it, Poochify) them. But does the iconography of the breakfast table hide a deeper cultural conservatism? “Breakfast is seen as family time,” says Gregory Baines of the National Nutrition Council. “We live in an age where people increasing divide for lunch and purchase cooked dinner, but breakfast is still mostly prepared at home, and shared by at least most of the family. Preserving the icons of earlier, ‘family-oriented’ campaigns taps into this nostalgia.” It seems straight forward enough, but one of those breakfast icons is under threat, with calls for the Lucky Charms leprechaun to be abolished as promoting pagan practices recently renewed…’

NB: These are not real hot takes, and I vouch for neither the facts nor opinions therein.

The Alcoholic’s Alphabet

A is for Advocaat, thick and disgusting. 
B is for Brandy, to be enjoyed whilst degusting.
C is for Crème De Menthe, delicious and minty. 
D is for Drambuie, warming the flinty.
E is for Eblana, Irish Whisky plus junk. 
F is Frangelico, first distilled by a monk
G is for Grenadine, viscous and red. 
H is for Honey Mead, which goes straight to your head.
I is for Irish Cream, oft served with milk. 
J is for Juniper, key to gin drinks and their ilk.
K is for Kahlua, with its rich coffee flavour. 
L is for Lillehammer, which I advise you to savour.
M is for Mastika, which you don’t often see. 
N is for (wait for it!) Noyau de Poissy.
O is for Ouzo (which I’ve never liked). 
P is for Punch, which is so often spiked.
Q is for Queen Mother, the Patron of Gin. 
R is for Royals, with whom trouble I’m in.
S is for Sambucca, served whilst on fire. 
T is for Tequila, the bane of the liar.
U is for Umbrellas, a cocktail accessory. 
V is for Vodka, for which chilling is necessary.
W is for Whisky, drink too much and you’ll lurch.  
X is for Xtabentún, which I had to research.
Y is for Yellow Submarine, named after the tune. 
Z is for Zima, discontinued to soon.
These are the letters, recorded in drinking. 
I’m disturbed at how many I knew without thinking. 

The Adventurer’s Alphabet

A is for Arrow, pointy and sharp. 
B is for Bolos, stringed like a harp.
C is for Collapsible Pole, 10ft in length. 
D is for Dwarven Helm, increasing your strength.
E is for Elementals, sent from the Planes. 
F is for Foraging, and surviving on grains.
G is for Gauntlet, both a challenge and glove. 
H is for Halflings, and the homes that they love.
I is for Illithid, the flayer of minds. 
J is for Jermlaine, ugliest of fey kinds.
K is for Killing, let’s face it, your role. 
L is for Liches, who conceal their soul.
M is for Mimics, disguised as stuff. 
N is for Naga, one or two is enough.
O is for Owlbear, the magical beast. 
P is for Purple Worm, seeking flesh for a feast.
Q is for Queendom, a common land label. 
R is for Rapier, for the quick and the able.
S is for Spellbook, precious to a wizard. 
T is for Tyrannosaur, the terrible lizard!
U is for Umber Hulk, with mandibular jaws. 
V is for Vampires, par for the course.
W is for Wizard, quick to anger and subtle. 
X is for Xorn, who eats detritus and rubble.
Y is for Yuan-Ti, the deadly snake-men. 
Z is for Zombies, who now live again.
These are the letters, often written as runes. 
NOW LEARN THEM, ADVENTURERS OR GO TO YOUR TOMBS. 

A Hypothetical Excerpt From Quentin Tarantino’s Abandoned Silver Surfer Screenplay

For casting, I imagine Samuel L. Jackson as the Silver Surfer, and Steve Buscemi as Reed. 

INT. BAXTER BUILDING – CONTINUOUS

NORRIN:

So, I’m out there with Galactus, and he’s hungry – AGAIN – and I’m not talking some In & Out, stoner munchie shit, I mean HUN-motherfucking-GRY, alright? Planet hungry.

Norrin gestures with his hands indicating an object about the size of a basketball. Reed is reading a thick textbook, doesn’t look up.

NORRIN (CONT’D):

Did you ever see “Babette’s Feast”? Where that Swiss general–

REED:

(still not looking up)

Swedish.

Norrin still has his hands up, but Reed has broken his train of thought. He turns and walks towards Reed, who still doesn’t look up from his book.

NORRIN:

What?

REED:

The General in “Babette’s Feast” is Swedish, not Swiss.

NORRIN:

(Irritated)

Swedish, Swiss, Swahili, it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s not important to the story. The point is, Babette makes these little quails in puff pastry, with their little heads sticking out, and the General, he comes along and bites into the HEAD of a quail and sucks the whole thing inside out. That’s how fucking hungry Galactus is.

REED:

It’s important.

NORRIN:

No SHIT, it’s important! The motherfucker eats planets.

Reed slams the book closed, puts it on his lap, looks up at Norrin Radd, the Silver Surfer, standing over him.

REED:

No, it’s important that the General is Swedish, okay? “Babette’s Feast” was made in fucking DENMARK. It brought Danish film to the attention of the wider Western world. Danish-Swedish relations have a complex history. All the Scandinavian countries do, and “Babette’s Feast” fucking comments on that. So if you say he’s Swiss and not Swedish you’re just fucking trivialising the culture that it’s commenting on.

NORRIN:

How is this relevant to MOTHERFUCKING GALACTUS?!

REED:

Galactus eats planets, right? He consumes an entire world’s culture, leaves it with nothing left. That’s the fucking tragedy, not the missing rocks. It’s the culture of a place that matters, and if you want to come here and tell us ‘Oh, shit, Galactus’ you have to acknowledge it.

There’s a tense beat as they watch each other. Norrin takes a deep breath.

REED (Cont’d)

Otherwise, you just consume culture and leave behind nothing but shit, Norrin. You’re just like Galactus then.

Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

For those of you who never knew or who might not remember, HeroQuest was a board game, of a sorts, released in 1989, at a notable time in home gaming entertainment. Sandwiched between the Dungeons and Dragons and sword-and-sorcery b-pictures of the mid-80s, and the rise of the PC in the mid-90s, it was a strange crossover/partnership between American board game makers Milton Bradley and British tabletop miniature makers Games Workshop, now most famous as the manufacturers of Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000 (the spiritual ancestors of Warcraft, and thus World of Warcraft, the multibillion dollar juggernaut).

It is not a terribly complex or even well-balanced game, compared to the finely tuned fantasy board games now on the market, but long before I ever knew the precise combination of the words “Dungeons and Dragons”; back when a “roleplaying game” meant nothing but I still had a good conception and not too much dignity for playing ‘let’s pretend’: in short, when I was five or six years old, Hero Quest was a kind of gateway drug. It is to roleplaying games what billy carts are to Formula One racing, but for a (precocious) five year old being asked to play with the older kids next door, it was (if that five year old was me), a seed planted that would be hugely influential later in life.

In Hero Quest, one takes the role of a Dwarf, Elf, Barbarian or Wizard and completes a series of modular dungeons, designed by placing doors, furniture and blockages on a predefined map grid. One person takes the role of the “Evil Wizard” Morcar (aka Zargon, for our less well-named American cousins) and manages the monsters and the traps. The others try and survive, moving their way to end points on the map. Monsters appear when the players enter rooms or trigger events, and the Evil Wizard moves them around. Basic statistics never change (as such), but there are both equipment to purchase and quest based special items that change the number of dice you roll to move and to fight. It’s that simple.

It’s also one of the most ’80s things imaginable, with its ravening Barbarian and its glam rock Wizard:

Heroquest_GameSet-board-game-complete-contents

pic338410

As a child, I played it as a child might, relatively simply chopping and slicing with my Barbarian while my next door neighbour ran us through an adventure or two. Somehow, that set passed to me, and as I grew older, I lost bits and pieces. I cannibalised miniatures for dioramas and D&D and more complex Warhammer and the set became an incomplete shadow of its former glory – too lost to play, too precious to be thrown away.

At my first year of university, that changed when I went to grab a DVD at a friend’s house and found that he owned the only other copy of the game I’d ever seen: a likewise broken-down childhood copy, incapable of being played due to missing cards and missing pieces…until we realised that between us we had a complete set. We were both RPG players, and once we knew we had a complete set, we had to play it. We talked about it with a couple of other friends, and it became apparent that they had fond, if fuzzy, memories of this old game too.

So began Hero Quest: The Revival. My friend took the role of Atha the Barbarian, our other friends became Rando the Wizard (yes, a reference to the Amazing Rando, Wizard of Speed and Time), and Uk, the doughty Dwarf. They were joined by a rotating cast of Elves, played by casual gaming friends and corralled room-mates, based on who could make the time to play. I was, perhaps appropriately, the “Evil Wizard”.

The informal nature of the thing led us to relax our rules about drinking at the gaming table, the 80s cheesiness brought out a sense of both nostalgia and self-parody, a kind of whimsy that most of our games didn’t share. There was nothing serious about Hero Quest, no real narrative arc to pick up and go – and for that reason we played it sporadically, reserved for the occasions when we never had more than the right number and the right people, taking a back seat to bigger group activities (particularly as we progressively coupled up and uncoupled and married off and got 9-to-5 jobs and focused on other games and movie nights and everything in between that makes up life). We gained a semi-permanent Elf in the past 18 months.  Life got in the way, and it would take a couple of hours to do two-to-three scenarios, so we made progress very slowly.

We had the first two major expansions, and we found a website with the rules for the rest. For the last eight years, chipping away by degrees, we pushed through the game. As these things do, it grew an increasingly complex (and ridiculous) mythology: Elves kept dying, so they became a single family bent on avenging each other: being near-immortal Elves they were going back in the generations not forward – fathers and mothers avenging daughters and sons. Atha the Barbarian (the character with the lowest Mind score) was given the Talisman of Lore, making him a genius of slightly above average intelligence. The Wizard’s propensity to hit monsters with his staff instead of casting spells gave him a garrulous brawler’s personality. My inability to drunkenly read a card saying “You find a box lined with velvet” gave rise to the Dwarven material of Belvet, the most expensive substance in the world, cloth spun from gold-flecked moss found in the deepest of gold mines (and a further slip-up gave rise to the Belvet Fox, a literal enchanted talking fox responsible for carrying the party’s equipment, to whom I gave a voice like Ronald Coleman). Uk’s player began a Warhammer Fantasy Roleplaying game (now long since dead) during the overall tenure of the Hero Quest run, and as Hero Quest shares DNA with Warhammer’s Old World, our Hero Quest characters became the epic legends of that later game: Princess Uk was the storied ancestor of the Dwarven noble PCs, a huge statue of Rando stood at the University of Altdorf, the Elven departure was caused by the dozens of lives lost in the early days (Elves were very perishable for some statistically unlikely reason, but also capable of Punisher-esque feats of vaguely Edda-like brutality). Since it made no mechanical difference, we determined that Atha’s Talisman of Lore allowed him to live forever (though at a price), and later legend tells that he slew the Chaos Gods at the very end of time. There were no Firmirs (a Cyclopean monster unique to the Hero Quest game) by the time it became Warhammer’s setting, so we declared that the party killed them all between them.

It was a silly place, but it had its epics too: more than most games it let the dice and the coincidences do the loose storycrafting, leading to some amazing pitched battles, like when Rando, bereft of spells, punched his way out of an army of chaos warriors, or when Uk Thunderfist leapfrogged the Barbarian to slay the mighty Witch Lord with a single swipe of the Spirit Blade (I was pissed). Eight years is a long time, not quite but almost the length of our friendship, and a chance to sit down and play it was always something to look forward to. As time went on it became less about finishing it (though we made a kind of steady progress) and more about the ritual of the game: unlike other RPGs where there was a story to tell for as long as people wanted to tell it, this had a definite end-point, even if that felt a fair distance away even while it grew closer.

This is not the story of how we reached the end-point, at least, not in that sense.

At 2:30am tonight/today – Easter Sunday – I killed them all.

Evil Wizard triumphant. Atha’s unwillingness to throw a 150gp spear (they had some 5,500gp in hand, if you’re curious), allowed a single goblin to get away and set off a chain reaction, summoning the terrifying Ogre Champions of this high-level expansion, Against the Ogre Horde. This expansion assumed the final defeat of the Witch Lord, the canonical enemy leader of the early game (which, indeed, these players had managed) and scaled accordingly, but I took the mundane plot of Ogres rampaging for food and rewrote them into what I thought was a sufficiently epic threat – a new super-mutation of Orcs, rising in strength and cunning as they consumed, and consumed the power, of their fellows, free from the Witch Lord’s strictures that prevented them from doing so.

In the Carrion Halls, where the Ogres feasted on the flesh of their brethren, our Heroes fought for their lives against impossible odds…

CBw6lCAUIAATOA7

…and lost.CBwtwTwUMAIPPMM

They were so close, though. Outmatched, outnumbered, they killed every ogre on the board. We had always had a rule that one Hero making it out allowed the others to be revived, and the Barbarian had only to cut down one Orc and two more Goblins for a straight run at the exit with his fallen companions. A well timed Sleep spell by the Wizard had created a bottleneck I didn’t, couldn’t expect, blocking up a narrow corridor with one of my own best monsters. The Elf passed through solid walls before being overwhelmed in a corridor. Uk Thunderfist killed Ogre after Ogre thanks to an enchantment of Courage which worked like berserker rage. They almost made it.

But they didn’t. I did what I had set out to do: I “won”. Unlike an RPG proper, Hero Quest doesn’t engender necessarily the same feelings as running a roleplaying game: there is enough of a board game aspect to make it clear how to win and lose.

But after eight years – after the Heroes always fighting and holding on and beating the odds – I had learned not to expect a win, even when I did my damnedest to make each battle count. When the last Hero fell, and Atha’s player walked into the darkness of that outer void known as the living room to sip their last drink, someone muttered “I didn’t expect it to end like this”.

I didn’t expect it to end. It was the background hum of our friendship, a way of marking the time.

I’m seeing the players tomorrow – we all speak basically every day. The game isn’t our friendship, by any means, but it was an artifact of it: an echo of shared childhoods, a memory of both epic adventure and goofy jokes.

Rando’s player said to me, as we packed it up: “Now it goes into storage. And some day, when you have kids, and they’re old enough [if they’re precocious enough, maybe 5 or 6], you’ll take it out and play it with them.” And I will.

It’s 4:00am on Easter Sunday, and I’m up writing this tribute. They were silly things made of plastic and card and 80s excess and whimsy.

They were the stuff dreams were made of.